Happy Endings Wolverine Adoption Services



Tired of all those yipping Yorkies on the corner with bows in their hair?  Watch the crowds disperse as you turn the corner with your new pet Wolverine.   In appearance, the wolverine resembles a small bear with a long tail. It has been known to give off a very strong, extremely unpleasant odor, giving rise to the nicknames “skunk bear” and “nasty cat.” Wolverines, like other mustelids, possess a special upper molar in the back of the mouth that is rotated 90 degrees, or sideways, towards the inside of the mouth. This special characteristic allows wolverines to tear off meat from prey or carrion that has been frozen solid and also to crush bones, which enables the wolverine to extract marrow.  Armed with powerful  jaws, sharp claws, and a thick hide,  wolverines have been known to kill prey as large as moose.  Wolverines have been known to harass and attempt to intimidate wolves, cougars and bears.  Because they are relatively slow and clumsy, the wolverine’s preferred method of attack is ambush, making it a sound idea to always be aware of your wolverine’s whereabouts.

Wolverine adoption entails some preparation.  An undetermined period of time is required to establish mutual trust.  Of course, the time period is contingent on the individual temperaments of both owner  and  pet.  To assist in the training period, every wolverine adopted comes with both a Kevlar Suit / Taser.

Explore posts in the same categories: Humor

2 Comments on “Happy Endings Wolverine Adoption Services”

  1. Dave O'Neil Says:

    Thanks for a wonderful blog post. I adopted a wolverine myself about six months ago. I went to our local wolverine sanctuary, to adopt a cute little guy. I knew from the minute “Little Nipper” leaped on my back and started nuzzling my ear with that molar you referenced, that he was the one for me. The team and I managed to get nipper in my car (I wish I had your kevlar suit and taser for that, I can tell you!) and after a quick stop at the emergency room, it was straight home. I got Little Nipper out of the car with some difficulty, as the tazings had worn off at this point and he was awake, but I was able to get him into the house. I let him get settled in while I made a quick trip to the emergency room and the butcher shop. When I returned he had really made himself at home! It seems like he had tried to make a nest out of the couch and the dining room table, but I don’t think he liked the antique heirloom oak the table was made of. He did however LOVE my bed. I’m not sure exactly what happened next, but I was singing the Little Nipper song as I walked into the bedroom. I had a dinner tray filled with moose meat for Little Nipper, and saw that he had dug out the center of my bed and marked it with the “unique” scent of a wolverine. Since my eyes began to water I couldn’t see where Little Nipper was. I was able to feel him leap on my back and begin nuzzling my ear with that molar you referenced, however. I think the smell of the moose meat, and the sound of my screaming must have gotten him excited, scared, and confused because the next thing I remember was waking up with Little Nipper on my chest, staring at me while gobbling moose meat. I soothed him with high pitched screaming and my martial arts flailing and made my way to the door. I was able to get the door closed and continued to sooth him with more high pitched screaming for the next thirty minutes. After a quick stop at the emergency room, I stopped by the pet store for a leash and a collar. My question is this: Should I buy leather or synthetic?

    • wjudson461 Says:

      I would definitely go with the synthetic plastic, preferably in a pastel shade. Maybe a mint green or pale pink. You know, Easter colors. And there are some out there that even have imitation rhinestones.
      You will find that getting them to “heel”might take some time. In retrospect, getting them to do anything you want them to might be time-consuming. But that ammonia-dumpster fragrance makes you
      forget all of the other little annoyances. Enjoy your new companion.

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